I got tired of life so I tried to commit suicide and succeeded. But God said I belonged in hell so he sent me right back.
My house killed itself. When I told this to the owner he thought I was crazy. I told him what, you didn’t know that houses were suicidal? He was bewildered at that fact, which is strange, considering it makes sense when they have no home and are always rented by others. Anyways I kept trying to convince him and he said he would kick me out of the house. I said it wouldn’t matter because the house already died. He said alright you’re out.
So I went to see a therapist and he said I was delusional. I said prove it. So he turned into a dragon. After that I had to find a different therapist.
I’m really sad... yesterday I lost in Russian roulette.
My friend told me he’s suicidal so I told him to swear on his life. He swore on his life but the next day he killed himself so I’m not sure if he was telling the truth.
If scientists found out that nature has a consciousness it would be arrested instantly.
My friend killed himself 9 times... he wanted to see if he was a cat. He never found out that he was.
My cat is suicidal. Fortunately he gave up after 6 times.
I was at the vet the other day and he said, look, your cat has to be put down. I said oh man... how much does it cost? he said it’s 1200 dollars. I said oh man, alright. I gave him the money, he gave the cat the shot. Then he said alright, we have to give it to her eight more times. I had to pay 9 times for the euthanasia.
I had a band but we had zero budget so we had to really compromise, the drummer used his heartbeat as a metronome which worked naturally because he was always nervous before the fast sections and laid back during the slow ones. He drummed using his eardrums, meanwhile, I made my guitar out of my ribcage and the guitar strings out of my vocal chords. We wanted to do a show but had nothing, we couldn’t get a place with air-conditioning and we had no artifical reverb so we did our first show in a cave. We had no disco lights so we just asked everyone in the crowd to blink really fast. We had no amplifiers so we made megaphones out of ice cream cones.
I couldn’t get the mice out of my house so I turned it to a science lab. Then I had a pest problem so I re-branded as a zoo.