anything new going on in your life?

well my birthday is coming up this year.

outside of that?

i feel pretty great about 7-9 hours each day

you don’t get any nightmares?

if i do i just pretend that i’m watching a horror movie for free

so you enjoy them?

no, but when i wake up i do feel like i won something. but how about you how are you these days?

i feel amazing all the time!

how do you do that

i have a bottle of vodka by me all the time

that doesn’t seem good long term

no no i never drink it i just anticipate drinking it 24/7

you can just do that? i feel like it would get annoying after 2 seconds.

oh i couldn’t do it if i wasn’t on cocaine.

i have a friend he’s been blind from birth but recently he started hallucinating. so he can see perfectly fine just not reality. at first i thought he should go to a doctor but maybe it’s really a good thing.

that’s weird, i have a similar thing happen with my cousin, he’s paralyzed from the neck up but just recently he developed a sleepwalking disorder so he’s stoked about it. now he sleepwalks all the way to work.

wow. to think all this time doctors have been trying to find cures for diseases. maybe instead of curing diseases we just give the patients the reverse ones to balance it out? if someone is suicidal give him terminal cancer. if someone has parkinson give them als. if someone has tourettes give him a really bad stutter so that by the time he finishes the swear word he’s already home and doesn’t embarrass anybody. if someone is deaf make them schizophrenic. if someone has insomnia give them chronic fatigue. there are so many options doctors aren’t considering even.

my cousin is paralyzed from the neck up but he can sleepwalk just fine. he times his sleep for when he has to walk all the way to work.

i have schizophrenia but i only hear the 8khz frequency of my voices so they just sound like high-pitched ringing.

so like tinnitus?

yes it’s similar.

are you sure it’s not just tinnitus?

well that’s like asking if water isn’t h2o, it’s both of those things.

i guess it is..

I once slipped on a banana pill on top of an oiled up surface of slippery ice and fell into a parallel universe.

No kidding, what was it like there?

Oh it was bizarre... you could divide by zero, music was silent, the sun was shaped like a vagina so everybody was blind, not a single person had a beard because hitler had one, cows, zebras and dalmatian dogs all made a club where they directed black and white films and sculpted pianos

This reminds me, I was in a perpendicular universe once.

oh, what was that like!

well it was just like a parallel universe except the exact opposite which meant it was nothing different than our universe. I just drank some coffee at a park.

That reminds me, did you know that coffee lowers suicide rates by 50 percent?

No kidding!

When I heard that I ran straight to the golden bridge with a latte. Luckily a guy was just standing on the edge about to jump so I quickly grabbed the coffee and splashed it in his mouth. He still ended up jumping, but eh, you gotta play the odds.