A mosquito bit me while I was doing cocaine, after 2 minutes he waterboarded a spider with my own blood and then forced it to 3D print a giant syringe from cobweb that he shoved in my arm to suction half a gallon of blood. The next time I intentionally drank vodka instead and after biting me he started puking blood all over and then stuttering his buzzes and finally he hung himself from a 3D printed cobweb noose.
I saw a mosquito bite himself by accident. Then he realized he had his own mosquito bite and he could just suck from that instead so he left me alone. great example of serendipity.
One time my ears were ringing and a mosquito that passed by thought I was his brother.
One time my ears were ringing while a kettle was heating and a mosquito flew by as my dad was scratching his plate with a fork while a flash-bang detonated from a nearby military boot camp, I almost shot myself but it would only make it worse if I missed.
My blind friend’s guide dog went blind so he had to get a guide dog for his guide dog. Then the second dog went blind and then the third, it kept happening all the way up to 74. I saw him the other day walking around with an enormous chain of dogs. Snakes all around the city started following him because they thought he was some kind of a giant snake god.
For the last five years I confused my dead wife’s cremation container with an ashtray. I didn’t realize it but I whenever I cried next to the tray I was mourning my cigarettes. To be honest I do miss them more.
I got a tattoo of ashes because I know my wife will be cremated one day so I want my tattoo of her to stay up to date.
They say that energy is perfectly balanced through the universe so I blame hard-working people for my extreme laziness.
went to a coffee shop and asked for a coffee shot, they gave me 90% of their property.
A beggar came to me grieving and telling me how everything is terrible, so I gave him nothing.
Where does a snake’s tail begin?
Does dust grow dust? Though small, it’s still a solid, dry object, so I see no reason why it wouldn’t. But then if it does, shouldn’t the dust it grows grow dust too? And wouldn’t that mean it would continue to multiply exponentially until dust fills up the entire universe? Something’s not right here.
I was arrested by a suicidal cop.
“No need to put your hands on” “Here you can put these handcuffs on, or not I don’t care.” “Hold my gun for a second.”
The zookeeper gave me a tour of some of the animals and lent me in a lot of secrets. “Those ants are dogs in costumes.” “That panda is a white bear with a black eye.” “The snakes are half as long we just tape them to mirrors.“That lion had plastic surgery.“ “That camel is a shaved llama with a swollen lump.” “That frog is schizophrenic he sees flies everywhere so. Those alligators are tiny lizards in a cage made out of magnifying glass.“ “People think this giraffe is blind but it’s just afraid of heights so it always keeps its eyes shut.”